“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” — Gilda Radner
None of my plans that I had for my life worked out like I thought that I wanted them to. I couldn’t have children like I so desperately wanted. God gave me my son. I wanted a husband, home, and family like my parents had. Things did not work as I planned, I married an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive man who cheated on me. I was a homemaker at that time, and didn’t know how to support myself. After ten years, I reached the brink of insanity, I loved him but I hated him. How was that possible? I hung onto all of his promises, and lies, that he would change, and everything would be different when he did “this or that”.
When death starts looking good, then it is time to divorce. It was kind of like a “death”–it was the death of my dream to have a man who loved me and would never hurt me. I could not afford my home on my own, so I had to move in with my parents. God bless them, they were always there for me. I tried to change everything but myself. I thought that if I were pretty enough, rich enough, that I would be loved. Lord, I had “distorted thinking”.
I had a lot of growing up, and recovering to do for years. Now, twenty five years later I finally have the husband who loves me,and is faithful to me. I adopted a son, who is now 29. I am proud of him. He has his own home. I have my own home too. But…I do not place such importance on material possessions anymore. I suffered a lot of losses, before I finally hit bottom, and decided to make some changes in my life. Thank God, for a loving and forgiving “higher power”, that loves me no matter what. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and Christian doctors and therapists.
I went from an abusive man to an emotionally abusive man to a psycho man. I stayed single for six years, and worked on me. I had to learn the hard way, that it was better to be alone than it was to be miserable. Al-Anon taught me that I could not Control, Change, or Cure anyone, and that I must focus on me and Change what I did not like in me.
By the grace of God, I do not have to be loved by you to be happy. People thought I was crazy when I told them that, “I don’t have to have a man to be happy.” I had been so Co-dependent on them.
I explained to them, I don’t “have to have a man”, but I “choose to have a man”. There is a big difference.
My husband knows that I can survive without him, but I do not want to. And…by the grace of God, he does not choose to survive without me either. God saved the best for last. –:)