A Confident Woman

Most of my life I resented and envied Confident Women. I wanted to be a woman with Confidence. Instead I was a little girl, that was afraid of everything and everybody. I was a skinny, flat, and insecure little girl.

Where did I get my confidence from?? My confidence comes from a Higher Power, that I call God. I had to first “hit my bottom”, and ask for help. God never forced Himself on me. I tried many things to help make me feel better about me, but none worked. I used people and things to try and fix me. None of it worked. 

At the age of sixteen, I was so miserable, that I decided I was going to live my life the way that I wanted to. No longer living to try and please someone else. This was NOT my bottom. I spent the next seventeen years living, or really existing in a chaotic and crazy world. I hated me and I was miserable as hell. I had NO God in my life. I ran my life on self will. I thought that if I had the “right” body, the “right” husband, the “right” job, the “right” house, and “if only” people would just do what I wanted them to~~then I would be happy. Nothing worked. Until I hit my bottom and started searching for help~~nothing got better.

My bottom was when the alcohol and pills stopped working, and I was barely surviving in an abusive marriage, I had no job skills and a four year old. I wanted to die.  By God’s grace, I had a family that I could turn to for help, but they could NOT fix me. They loved me and I will be forever grateful that they never gave up on me. I found my higher power in AA.

My journey began in 1987, and it has been a long, hard road, but today twenty six years later~~I am finally at peace and I have serenity. I have a God who loves me “unconditionally”, and a group of drunks = god~~who taught me how to live and be happy with myself and my life.

My maternal grandfather always used to say, “Always wanting what is not, when it is cold you want it hot, and when it is hot you want it cold”. 

St. Paul said, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am in therewith to be content“. 

I thank God everyday for this gift of sobriety and serenity. No one else could do it for me. I had to want it more than anything else. 

AA meeting sign
AA meeting sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)