Most every time I’m with a group of sober people, someone talks about the things they lost because of their addiction. “I lost my kids, my spouse, job, my truck, my self-respect, etc., etc., etc. to my drug of choice.”
I gotta say that I agree with what an oldtimer used to say about that. He said “I never lost anything because of my drinking. I traded it all. Nothing was more important to me than that next drink, so when the disease demanded that I give away my family and my job, I agreed.”
“Give it away, give it away, give it away, now”
He said “I didn’t lose my wife, I knew right where she was- at my neighbors house! She left me because I wouldn’t stop drinking or acting a fool. I can’t blame her! I didn’t lose my house. It’s right where it’s always been…
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I love your blog. I was looking for information to help me write on my blog, and I came across your blog.
It reminded me of the year 2000 when I left my abusive, psychopathic, stalking husband. I had to leave town to get away from his stalking and to feel safe. You are spot on. No one deserves to be abused and we did not cause it! No more excuses for unacceptable behavior.
I have now been married to the love of my life for ten years. I refused to let my ex hold me down, or disillusion me about men. Not all men are bad or abusive, and we did not cause it, or deserve it. We did NOT choose to be abused!
Does your abusive partner start sentences with ‘If you loved me, you’d…’? When she apologises, is she expert in shifting the blame onto something or someone else (usually you)? Then there’s something BIG that you need to know: It’s not your fault. Yes, really.
Is your abusive partner dodging responsibility?
If you are in an abusive relationship, you will have heard these phrases (or variations of them). I call these the ‘if, only and just’ statements, and they are crafted to shift the blame elsewhere:
- I wouldn’t need to do this if you would listen to me / stop doing that / do things right
- I only act this way because you drive me crazy
- If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do something that you know upsets me so much
- It’s just because I’m stressed out with work that I am short-tempered at home
- If I had a better…
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Amen, praise God that today, I know that I have a choice. When someone pushes my buttons and tries to piss me off, I have a choice, and I can choose to not “react”, or I can “react” and lose my serenity. I value my serenity and peace of mind today.
I choose to live in the “solution” instead of the “problem”. I choose to remove myself from the drama. I cannot change anyone else, but I don’t have to put up with their bad attitudes and actions. I remove myself…I pray…I leave…go to a meeting…visit a friend…or maybe take a vacation.
People have a choice too, and if they choose to continue to live in the “chaos”, that is their choice. I cannot stop others from living in the drama, but I can choose to not participate or live in it with them.
Moma always told us that if we could not say something nice then we should not say anything at all. I think that is some very good advice. It is not that I don’t want to help others, but I have come to accept that I cannot do it for them.
I cannot imagine that when a person finds out that they have a choice, that they would choose to be miserable.
OMG, everyday I am more grateful for the many blessings, that God has put in my life as a result of working my Al-Anon program for thirty years.
God did not promise us that we would not have problems, just that He would help us cope with them by giving us the strength and courage to live through them, or solve them. Just because I have thirty years of recovery does not mean that I am immune to “life problems”.
The number one thing that I want to convey to others is that no one can force anyone else to seek recovery no matter how much they love them.
Until I got miserable enough to seek help, I was not motivated to change and do the “footwork”, therefore I could not grow or improve. Therefore I stayed stuck and miserable. I believed that there was nothing that I could do to change my situation or that I had any choice to make better decisions.
I have been dealing with a lot of problems lately. My husband had his Taver (Heart Valve) surgery on Friday, May 13, 2016. The surgery went wonderful.
We were really worried about whether he would come out of the surgery. Two years ago, there was no help for someone with CHF. Dr. Biswajit Kar, MD – Cardiovascular Disease Specialist at Memorial Hermann, in Houston, Texas. He was the only one that could do the job. Ten years ago, my husband would not have survived his sixtieth birthday without the surgery.
We had prayed for God to be with us, and that we wanted God’s will. Of course, we wanted him to live. So, one more time God showed us that He was still with us. Len survived the surgery, and is recuperating in the Cardiac Intensive Care unit. I do have hope for the future, and he should be able to come home soon. But my husband has to be the one to do the Cardiac Rehab. God, knows that I cannot do it for him. He has to be the one to do the “footwork”. Maybe he will do it, we will see. I know that all I can do is to pray for him.
“In recovering from a dysfunctional family system, I have to pay particular attention to the “me-versus-them” thinking and how it immobilized me. As an adult, I still sometimes lose myself in certain relationships (especially my husband). When I look at it this way, I am reminded that I don’t have to lose myself again, in the disease or in relationships.” source: Hope for Today, Al-Anon Family Group, 2002
It is God’s job to supply the tools or resources for the job, and to grant me the strength to do the job.
It is my job to be willing to do the “footwork” to carry out God’s plan. God works through people.
THY WILL NOT MINE BE DONE
“Our true home is in the present moment.
To live in the present moment is a miracle.
The miracle is not to walk on water.
The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment,
To appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now.
Peace is all around us-
In the world and in nature-
And within us-
In our bodies and in our spirits.
Once we learn to touch this peace,
We will be healed and transformed.
It is not a matter of faith,
It is a matter of practice. “
source: The Twelve Step Prayer Book, written and compiled by Bill P. and Lisa D, 2004, Hazelden, http://hazelden.org
I love this song. When I was going through some very challenging times a few years ago, this song made me want to dance in the mall, where I heard it the first time. I hope it inspires at least a few of you out there the same way. Paulette L Motzko April 15th, 2016 […]
If you have been around the rooms of a twelve step program then you probably have heard of the term dry drunk, but what does that exactly mean? Basically, a dry drunk is an alcoholic that is sober but still acts like they did when they were drinking. They are usually angry and miserable most of the time and appear to be white knuckling through life just to not drink and be happy. This is why a program of recovery for alcoholics and addicts is suggested.
Signs and Characteristics of a Dry Drunk
A dry drunk will start to show signs of anger, depression, discontentment, irritability and restlessness if they are not working on themselves. The hopelessness that they begin to feel starts to make them act out in unhealthy ways, which may in fact start to resemble behaviors they had when they were still drinking or using. Although the dry drunk isn’t drinking or using, they may no longer be motivated to stay clean and sober. This can happen because of a few different things: something happened where they lost all hope, they built a resentment, they believe that they don’t need to work any steps, they experienced a setback, etc. Whatever the reason for this syndrome, it can descend very rapidly and may lead to a relapse. The good news is that there are ways to overcome dry drunk syndrome.
How To Get Out Of The Dry Drunk Funk
Awareness of actions and a desire to change
Work a program of recovery (calling a sponsor, working the 12-steps, going to meetings, and helping others)
Build a stable sober support network
Maintain a relationship with a higher power
Learn new skills and hobbies
“We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.” Ephesians 4:14-16
As a child I dreamed of being Peter Pan, which was very confusing for me, since I was a girl. I wondered if I was odd or queer, because I wanted to be like Peter Pan, and be able to fly. I lived in my make believe world, because I was not happy in reality. I read romance novels and fairy tales. I longed for a world that had peace and love, and no one was hurt or hungry. Today, I realize that it was an Ideal but not Reality. I was a Dreamer. We can help some people, but we cannot save the world. Through my recovery, I have learned that I can help some people, the people that God puts in my path, but I am not God and I cannot save everyone.
I totally disagree with this quote! Our dreams sometimes come true, if it is God’s will, and we do the footwork. But if it is not God’s will, then it will never happen. People cannot always get whatever they want just by sacrificing everything else for it. I do not like this quote! No matter how much a person wishes for something or sacrifices for it, if it is not to be, then it will not happen.
Children need to be taught that they will not always get what they want in life. And…that in life there will always be “good” and “evil”, because that is the world that we live in. Life is NOT fair! If it were there would NOT be so much evil in the world. They need to be taught to celebrate the “good” and be grateful for it, and accept the bad. To grow up means that they must accept the responsibility for their own lives, and stop blaming others for their problems.
If they fail to “grow up”, then they will be stuck in the Victim mode, they will be volunteering for others to run their lives, and they will be at the mercy of others’s choices. It reduces their choices in life.
I choose to make my own choices, and to not follow the crowd. I choose to become a Victor instead of a Victim!
Mike McBurnette made a BIG difference to many others besides me! The Starfish Flinger was his favorite story, and now it is mine. Mike was my Mentor, my Boss, and my Friend. He is NOT forgotten!
All of life comes to one ultimate question….darkness or light, evil or good, sinner or saint? Every decision leans one way or the other. Every action takes a side, whether you consciously choose it or not. Every word uttered is a reflection of the heart and reveals which side of the fence the speaker is on. Even inaction is an action, is a choice, is a decision made that answers the internal question of evil or good.
You battle everyday with choices set before you. The battles may occur at work, at home, during down time, in the busiest time of the day, with family, friends, or coworkers. Choices are made in everything at every moment of every day of your life. The choice you make reflects who you are as a person, your character, your beliefs, and your values.
So, I ask you: What do your choices reveal about you? Do they…
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I used to feel guilty for being retired and not contributing financially. Well, that is what the world wants of us anyway.
My husband loves me being home, because he is disabled. My puppy loves me being home too. I love working in our yard.
I have worked since I was 12, and I was always chasing the almighty dollar, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Now, almost fifty years later, God has blessed me with the ability to stay at home.
I felt guilty when I chose to be a stay-at-home Mom for six years when my son was little. I loved it!
I have learned to not listen to what the world thinks, and do what makes us happy. We have to “play the hand that we are dealt”.
Some women do not want to stay at home. My sister never did. I love it! I say, “Different strokes, for different folks.”
For me, it was about priorities. We could live on less financially, and place more importance on being there for our family instead of “chasing the almighty” dollar.
Hell, we were broke even when I worked too, so now I get to stay at home where my heart is. It brings to mind the quote: “Bloom where we are planted”.